[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Sell your car
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Dammit Chief not again
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating