In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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The Weeknd is back
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Go girl power!
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.