The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem