*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Woke up against my better judgement again
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat