Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
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I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”