Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
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Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
This was the best day of my life
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
greetings!
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
“I’m helping” 😅
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.