Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I have many caverns
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
The struggle is real
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards