me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”