“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we鈥檒l have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn鈥檛 do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
馃ぃ馃ぃ
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy鈥檚 good
It鈥檚 so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks