Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
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Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Big Sex has us all fooled
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.