8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu