Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner