Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
so weird how every mom was born today
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.