In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
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Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Blew my mind.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
#growingpains
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.