Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
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I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.