the clam before the storm
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how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth