my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Sing it!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.