I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
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My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.