Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.