“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*