[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
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“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx