Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
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[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.