Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Tuesday
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.