Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”