If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
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Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor