[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Shower sex be like:
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register