ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch