do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
choose your gary
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT