Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.