the three best gummy flavors, together at last
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”