Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
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When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
So, can we agree on 4 or
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this