My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
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Should I ever go missing, please donât let the news use my 7th grade picture.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I donât want someone stealing all the stuff weâve been trying to get rid of for years.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think itâll be a best seller?
Editor: No, thatâs not what Iâm saying.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didnât go to JaredÂŽď¸
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen đ
– me flirting
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!đ
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, âwhoa, that dudeâs been defending himself his whole life.â
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My neighborâs wife put him on a diet so Iâm slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because heâs âtoo thirsty to walk to the kitchenâ.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.