Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
You Might Also Like
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.