space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
c’mon!
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS