How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*