When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
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My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
i love modern commerce
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant