Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
You Might Also Like
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
i made a craigslist ad !
stand with me against insufficient seating
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’