I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
goldfish mafia
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
CRYING
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood