It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
You Might Also Like
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why