*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
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Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball