Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?