“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Hell yeah 👍
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!