As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
no!! no!!!!!!
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come