*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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Lassie, get help!
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?