Meat Cute
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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
At least try to make it slightly believable
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.