For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
do u think theres a butter planet?
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways