“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
You Might Also Like
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway