Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
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Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.