I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
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The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
no such thing as a dumb question
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first