Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
You Might Also Like
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
choose your gary
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.